About Issues and Essays.

[dagronrat]

Okay to be honest I didn't use a swear as mild as that when this happened to me today.

I've come to realise that I have issues with Essays... and these issues need addressing.

For the little story, today I was due to hand in a resit for an essay I had "botched" (only missed a pass by half a point though!) and ended up not having anything -at all- to hand in, despite reading up on junk I could use for it and trying to organise/kick myself into doing it.

This has happened before. And I am NOT happy about it.

I went to see the CCS* tutor about this this afternoon. She said it wasn't the end of the world, that many people had this same problem and I had another 2 chances to fix this/resit. As much as this is annoying, it is kind of reassuring to be told that, contrary to how it feels, one is not alone in being challenged by such a simple task. That said, it shouldn't be the problem it has been for me. I am a hard worker admittedly mostly when I am in class, and I am interested in the topic of the essay. I like to read and write. I just happen to be, apparently, unreliable when it comes to something I don't feel like doing.

I block at doing the essay for stupid reasons too.
Such as getting mad over the format restrictions (vancouver referencing style is scary), not being sure what exactly is expected, being intimidated by the amount of citations that seem expected, not wanting to take time out of my evenings/studio work to do the research and so on. And of course, the biggest and stupidest reason of them all? I'd rather be doing something else. I'll procrastinate to the extent where I'll go and convince myself that in reading a book I am preparing for the essay, when I haven't even reread the brief or looked at my passed errors.
... Hell I even forgot when exactly the paper was due -back-. (Admittedly though, I'd been looking for that letter saying when for over a week. It was under my nose the whole time I was shuffling stuff on my desk. I just happened to have been convinced I was looking for a brown envelope and not a white one. D:)

This sort of thing has happened to me as far back as Secondary School, where I could not bring myself to get passed page 2 of H. G. Wells's Invisible Man it was so soporific. Teacher was kind enough not to give me detention when I explained this to her as I give in my blank test sheet, but I still got a 0/20.
It has also happened in High-school, where I handed a blank sheet for our first Maths' Coursework, after fretting -all night- over it.
And, as in the post linked above, it happened to me in first year at uni. Oh I handed in something then. But it was merely a bunch of scribbles in the research notebook and a half hearted essay. (The research notebook aspect of it was what really traumatized me then.)

I have however managed to do other Maths coursework and essays after, sometimes with a friend or family member peering over my shoulder to make sure I do the sums and don't flee, sometimes without.

If I -can- do without supervision, -why- do I still block? Why did I block on this first term essay retrieval when just 2 weeks ago I managed to do the second term essay that I consider to be an okay job?

I need to reflect on this, and find a solution so it doesn't happen again.
I do not want to be unreliable like this in future.

*CCS: Contextual & Critical Studies. Think of it as a mix of Art History, Philosophy, and the study of contemporary art practices.

Note: Self-ranting post, avoid if you'd rather do so.

Comments

[dagronrat.livejournal.com]

Alas I doubt rewards other than having people encouraging me and supervising? XD;; work that well with me since I tend to go "so what?" and shrug if something doesn't go my way. XD;;

Awh well. If I find the secret I'll be sure to share. *Huggles*
Good luck. It must be a pain to have to redo two semesters. D: